This past week, President Nicole Hurd stood in front of the college and sheepishly muttered a confession: one of the two buildings known as Oeschsle is a simulation.

Barely able to look at the audience, Hurd admitted that during her first week on campus, she found a mysterious box in a compartment under her desk.

In it, along with a few loose Tootsie Roll wrappers, was a scroll that detailed the specifics of what many Lafayette students already feared: one of the Oechsles is a simulation, and if a student enters it, they become a part of The Computer. No longer real. Merely a jumble of ones and zeros for all eternity.

“I really would’ve shown this to the campus community sooner, but I couldn’t figure out how to open the box,” Hurd said. “Turns out, I couldn’t just open the lid before moving the latch.”

The administration worries that most of the students, staff and faculty are doomed. Statistics show that most of the campus has entered the Oechsle Center for Global Education or Oechsle Hall at least once.

“I, for one, hope I am one with The Computer,” Carlton Virginson ’22 said. “As a computer science major, I only really understand machines anyways. If anything, it would bring me closer to my virtual girlfriend Rhonda, who I coded last year.”

Editor’s note: This is a satire article featured as part of our annual Scoffayette issue.